(1)  Children act like they feel.  Also, emotions (all feelings) are a normal and necessary part of human experience.

(2) Children need their feelings mirrored, validated and understood.  These actions become the building blocks for them to verbalize their feelings, a necessary step in self esteem and self control.  When children can verbally express their feelings they don’t need to act them out.

(3)  Children need to learn that other people, beginning with parents, have their own separate feelings and needs.  In other words, it is good for children to see parents have a normal range of feelings as long as the parents are not too frightening or frightened. 

(4) When a child under the age of 8 is criticized, (s)he is unable to learn from it, rather (s)he just becomes frozen with a sense of shame.  The result of being criticized thus becomes the opposite of learning because the child fears trying again.  This can develop into a frustrated parent and a frightened, shamed child who has adopted the stance of “I can’t” with no ability to explain why.

These four basic facts, all established and well documented in research, point the way for parents in “disciplining” their young children.  Rather than criticizing a child for “doing something wrong,” showing children how to do it right while encouraging them works.  This can take a few times because children learn by repetition.  This may seem hard to do for parents leading busy, complex lives, but in the long run, it is the easiest way.  Parents who don’t go to this effort can end up with children who have learned short cuts (throwing their toys in the closet) or substitute behaviors like lying (“I already have”) or procrastination (“I’ll do it in a minute”) that cause problems which only increase tension and can begin to snowball.

 What works best with problem behavior is helping kids understand the problem with the behavior (so they understand the problem is with their behavior and not themselves), showing them the behavior you want and expect, and then helping them learn it by doing it with them several times.  Both rewards and “consequences” have important roles in establishing discipline; however, there are many tricky aspects to giving out rewards and “consequences” for good and bad behavior.  Here are a few short-hand versions: 

Rewards and punishments should match the seriousness of the behavior.  Rewards can be a smile, hug, a verbal at-a-boy, or if a child makes an extended effort the reward could be bigger, such as a favorite food, time playing a favorite video game, etc. 

I believe that calling a consequence a “punishment” throws the emphasis more on the child’s self and less on the behavior.  As discussed above, that can just leave him feeling bad about himself and more prone to “bad” behavior.  There are, however, many effective forms of consequences (remember to help the child to understand why):

Time outs are a good way to help children take in the seriousness of an offense. They should be short, 2 minutes to 10 minutes long, depending on age and seriousness of the behavior being shaped.  Time outs should only be used when a clearly established rule is broken.  If parents break the rules, for instance keeping children up past their bed times, they can’t expect the children to follow the rules, because they are not clear.   If enforcement of the rules is inconsistent, the child will be confused and his behavior will reflect this confusion.  Children with inconsistent or no limits on their behavior will try to understand through repeated testing of these limits with increasingly out-of-control  behavior.

Stopping the activity with which the child’s behavior is problematic, for instance, taking the tricycle away for a while if the 4 year old doesn’t stop from riding it into the street.  Or, separating the siblings for a while if they continue to fight.

Children will take the parents behavior as the rules, not what they say.  Behavior always speaks louder than words to children; this includes the tone of the parent’s voice.  This makes it very important to say what you mean and mean what you say.  Parents who threaten their children with “Punishment” if they don’t stop and then don’t follow through when the child continues, only confuses the child who will then continue the “bad” behavior to try to get some clarity on the real limits.

I hope this has been helpful.

It would not help such a couple for either partner to give up on his or her own view of the problem, just as it hurts the couple for either to insist on his or her view.   If She gave up on her view, the couple would live in an emotional isolation that would preclude them from working through any emotional or interpersonal differences.  If he gave up on his view, the couple would not be able to tolerate personal differences, there would be no personal autonomy within the couple, and they would have difficulty functioning independently.  I think the same can be said about scientific, political, religious, or philosophical arguments because in most cases both sides hold a piece of the truth that must be considered for the argument to be resolved.

How does it happen for one person to gravitate toward one view, while another person gravitates toward another?   I think this gets back to what our individual experience has been that result in what we “know” and “don’t know.”  It’s on the basis of what we know, the knowledge we have collected from earlier experiences, that we understand the world we see.   However, if we understand a new phenomena only in terms of past experience then we learn nothing, it is simply more of the same of what we have already known.   Piaget, a French learning theorist and infant researcher in the 1950’s, demonstrated that people have to “accommodate” to new information in order to learn.  That is, one has to change his or her relationship to what he has already known, to learn something new.   Rigidity in either direction has its problems:  If we are never certain of what we know, we become “air-heads” with no usable knowledge.  If we are always certain of what we know, we become boring “know-it-alls” with no room to learn anything new.  I believe it is the ability to move between “knowing” and “not knowing” that helps us develop wisdom, strength, and grace in our relationships.  I hope this has been useful for you to read.

For both men and women who are interested in working within a small, confidential group on personal difficulties such as anxiety, shyness, depression, lack of clarity of feelings, procrastination, self-esteem, and relationship problems.

Benefits of Group Therapy:

>  A unique, confidential way of receiving honest feedback

> Help in understanding how others experience you

>  Help discovering ways of being more intimate without feeling scared, weak, or inadequate

> Help discovering ways of being more assertive without feeling scared, guilty, or hurtful

> Help finding ways of empathizing with yourself and others without feeling drawn into the emotional pain.

> Help feeling more secure and confident in your interactions with others

Time: Mondays 6:00 – 7:30PM          Fee: $45/group

Place:  902 Curtis St.  Albany, CA.  Just off Solano Ave. (Safe Area, plenty of parking)

For information about the facilitator or group therapy visit my website: michaelgrayphd.com

Hey, have you ever wondered what is going on under the surface in your conversation with another person?   How much do the two of you agree on what is being communicated?  Not much, probably.  For example, consider this seemingly simple conversation:

  Martha says to George:  “You want to sit down and watch this show with me?”  George says:  “Well, I’m supposed to be over at a friend’s house in a few minutes.  They’re waiting for me.”

Under the surface Martha was thinking just before she spoke:  “There’s that cute guy who lives next door, he always seems busy and never says more than “hi” to me so maybe he’s not interested in me; I’ll test him and see.  George was thinking “Whoa, her door is open, maybe I can catch a glimpse.”  He sees her sitting in front of the TV and when she looks up, he thinks “Oh shit, she caught me looking at her.”  Hearing her invitation to sit down, he’s too surprised and scared to respond with a simple “OK” and instead says he’s supposed to be at a friend’s house.  He walks on feeling bad about himself, thinking “She’ll never want to talk to me again.” She feels that she has made a fool of herself and thinks” I knew he wasn’t interested, I should of kept my mouth shut.”

Twenty years after George and Martha did manage to get together, Martha says to George:  “You want to sit down and watch this show with me?”  George says:  “Well, I’m supposed to be over at a friend’s house in a few minutes. They’re waiting for me.”

Under the surface Martha was thinking just before she spoke:  “He’s ignoring me again and I know he doesn’t want to spend any time with me anymore, watch this, I’ll prove it to myself.”  George was thinking “I know she knows I’m getting ready to go to Frank’s house and is going to start in on me so I’ll feel guilty.”  Hearing her invitation to sit down, he’s too afraid of getting into a fight that he wont know how to resolve so he brushes it off with his comment by saying he’s “supposed” to be a his friends house and then justifies his brush-off with the comment that “They’re waiting for me.”  They both feel bad and angry for several hours after the conversation.

Both of these conversations could have gone well with more emotional honesty on either person’s part.  But this isn’t easy for everyone to do, and it can get tougher as people know each other better.  Why’s that?

My work as a psychologist is often about how communication gets entangled into a mess.   I thought it might be interesting to write about this from a few of the perspectives I have gained in my work.   

There are many things that interfere with clear and complete communication.  We often say more non-verbally than we do verbally.  Also, what we are trying to say often isn’t what is heard.   Sometimes both people are unaware of what the other is experiencing.   And to complicate things even more, we generally don’t speak about these differences.   One of the hardest things to do in this culture is speak truth to power, and this difficulty begins as infants attempt to communicate with caregivers.   Attachment theory, communications theory, sociology, the study of linguistics, and the psychodynamic theory of psychological defenses all have important contributions to understanding a moment of interaction. 

We are social animals and it is impossible for any two people in the same room not to communicate.   Yet it can be very difficult to discuss what is being communicated in any one moment.  There are many factors that inhibit and muddy communication, from both the speaker’s side and the listener’s side.  Any person speaking may have emotions and motives he is not aware of,  psychological defenses that interfere with his intended message, and a misunderstanding of how the listener is hearing him.  Any person listening may have also have emotions, motives, defenses, and an internal world that leaves her hearing, feeling, thinking something totally different than what the speaker believes.  We people are not always conscious of how we are coming across, some more than others.  Nor are we necessarily conscious of others’ motivations and feelings.  Every day we see people who have ways of interacting in which they are unaware.  

The parent-infant studies from which attachment theory derives demonstrate the early transmission of communicational patterns from parent to infant.  One example of a communicational pattern comes from a parent whose interactional style is classified as “dismissive” of her own and others emotions (for more information and other classifications see the literature on attachment theory and the research on parent-infant interactions in the “Strange Situation,” such as the  research by Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main).  The research shows also that this “Dismissive” parent will likely have an “Avoidant” infant, one who tends to avoid demonstrating anxiety or emotional connection to mother as she leaves or enters the “strange situation” in which the research is being conducted.    The heart monitor on this infant, however, spikes higher than other infants who cry openly as mother leaves and returns demonstrating that this infant, in order to optimize connection with mother, has learned to inhibit his self-expression.   Longitudinal studies show that these attachment patterns can last a lifetime.  As an adult, a person with this attachment pattern will be anxious in moments of true intimacy and avoidant of spontaneous emotional interaction.   His unexpressed emotions will have to find other routes since it is impossible for humans to totally shut off expression of  internal experiences for extended periods of time.  As a result of the stress from holding back expression of emotion on one hand, while the body is attempting to find a route to emotional expression on the other, symptoms and psychological defenses are formed.  This whole process can happen outside a person’s awareness.  

  It is common for people with the above attachment pattern to mistake emotional information for directives and judgments or “shoulds.”   This can result in an argument when the listener is feeling differently.  For example, take the statement from a wife to her husband:  “We haven’t been to my parents house for months!” as she is feeling guilty and worried about how her parents will interpret that fact.  She is hoping that her husband will help her feel better about caring through with their plans to take the kids to the beach for the weekend.  But, as one of the avoidant/dismissive types, he misinterprets her to mean that he shouldn’t want to go to the beach and that he should consider taking the family to see her parents.  As a result, he then responds with a long justification, based on how hard he has been working and why they should go to the beach.  They both end up angry and in an argument without understanding why.  This is only one simplified small example of the many ways communication gets messed up.

Enter two more givens in human communication:  First, we can each only see the world through the lens of our own internal maps which we develop through our unique experience and attachment patterns.  We need these maps to understand the world and to give us a sense of continuity through time.  Since everyone has his or her own unique maps (with some degree of consensual reality) all our interactions are subjective and interpreted differently by each other.  Second, all speech is marked by an implicit, non-verbal message about how we want our verbal message to be heard.   These metacommunications regarding how we want our content to be taken are often what the argument is about (as in the above example).   When the content of what is said is in-congruent with the implicit non-verbal message, communication breaks down and the fight is on.   For another example, consider the husband who withdraws as a way of fighting, and the wife who nags in order to make contact, and the implicit power struggle that can occur while the content of what each is saying remains about a neutral subject.  For example:  a wife says to her husband “”Why can’t we just talk for a few minutes?”  There is irritation in her voice with a tinge of helpless complaining.  He responds with “Why do you have to ask me when we’re in the middle of watching something (on TV)?”  There is a lot going on in this brief communication that has very little to do with the question about why they can’t talk for a few minutes (which may be a very good question worth considering).  Neither does the conversation have anything to do with why she is asking him at a time when they are watching TV (which may be another good question worth discussing).  The wife’s feelings of helplessness, frustration, desire for emotional contact, and others feelings go unacknowledged and unrecognized by both participants.  The husband’s feelings of fear of intrusion and or intimacy, frustration, fear of loss of autonomy, interest in watching the TV show also go unacknowledged and unrecognized.  Both participants are isolated with their individual painful feelings and no way of discussing them or resolving the impending impasse.  This short and seemingly simple interaction can represent a destructive impasse in communication that has the potential of ending the relationship.  The non-verbal communication (voice tone and what isn’t said) indicates the depth of the power struggle that can’t be discussed.   Both partners are afraid of what would happen if they attempted to be open and honest in trying to resolve the impasse.  Doing so would take effort from both partners in trusting each other with attempts to be open and honest.  Both would have to want to make the relationship better by clarifying and acknowledging each other’s feelings.  This example is one in which the communication cycle has evolved to an impasse.  We can avoid such impasses if we can develop our capacity to understand what we are communicating and to understand others’ experience of us as we are.

So how can we tell what is being communicated as we are talking?  The short answer is we can’t fully understand it all.  But there are clues and things we can do to learn more about what is going on in an interaction.   This is the essence of this piece.  First of all, when we are authentic, that is when we can be open, honest, and congruent with our thoughts, feelings, and motives, it invites others with whom we are speaking to also be open, honest, and congruent in response.  Of course, this is only an ideal that isn’t always possible and may not even be advisable in some relationships.   In close relationships, attempts at such openness and honesty tend to deepen the relationship and facilitate the communication.   Another thing we can do to improve communication is investigate the responses we are receiving back from what we say and how we are.  There are many avenues of such investigation:  We can ask.  We can watch and listen to responses.  We can notice our own feelings during the discussion since they will tell a lot about the implicit communication that is happening.   This takes a good ability to recognize and understand our own feelings.   It takes courage to be open and honest and to investigate other’s experience of us.  It also takes self acceptance and compassion.    If you have not experienced much acceptance of your emotional states, you may have difficulty finding the necessary self-acceptance to do this.  If you are not familiar with this endeavor, I encourage you to try it.   You may be surprised at how much there is to learn both about yourself and about how others are relating to you.   

I hope this has been thought provoking, if not useful.  I am interested in reading your reactions.

Michael Gray

902 curtis street

Most of our work is psychodynamic psychotherapy with individuals, couples, families, and groups.  We also provide psychological assessment, parenting advice, and  symptom relief around post traumatic stress and loss.   The list of the psychological services we provide is under “Services” above.   Whatever the psychological needs are of the people who come to us for help, we are dedicated to finding the best treatment available for them, whether this means referral to other treatments or contracting to work with them ourselves.   Most people seeking psychological help have concerns about the treatment they are considering.  We believe this is not only normal, but crucial, due to the highly personal nature of this business.  We want you to feel free to bring up your concerns every step of the way in our work together.  We will take your concerns seriously, answer your questions as best we can, and be open and direct with you regrading our beliefs about the issues that bring you in.   We will not attempt to provide treatment that you do not want; however, we will be clear with you about the treatment we think will best meet your needs.

This means that we will first work with you to clarify your needs and goals, then identify the most effective means of meeting them.  This first step includes making sure your are informed of the full range of options, including those which we do not provide.   The second step will be to consult with you on the best treatment plan, given your personal limits on time, the financial resources you want to commit, and the degree of help you want.    If we do not believe we can be of help within those limits we will be open and honest with you in an effort to help you decide the best course of action.

We will listen and respect your psychological goals and we will not attempt to impose our own.   Of course, we will tell you if we think you are restricting your goals in a manner that is not in your best interest.  We will also inform you if we believe your goals are not reachable with the treatment plan we have established with you.     We believe that psychological help requires a good working relationship in which there is mutual trust.  For this to happen, we know we need to be open to all of your concerns, not only those about yourself that bring you into the office, but those concerns about the way we work, the fees we charge, the progress we’re making, and who we are as people.    If we believe you would be better served by someone else or a different modality than we practice, we will be happy to refer you.   Such referrals may include psychiatrists for medication, primary care physicians for health concerns, cognitive – behavioral therapy for phobias, hypnotherapy or EMDR for PTSD, etc. 

This mission statement also means we are committed to keeping ourselves as highly trained and educated in our profession as possible.  This requires us to regularly review the way we work, stay up on theoretical developments through reading the latest professional literature and learning new methods in workshops on a regular basis.    Those of us at the doctoral level also keep ourselves professionally sharp by teaching other mental health professionals.    Furthermore, we believe to be of the most help to our clients, we must know ourselves on a deep level.  In this regard we have all spent a good deal of time in our own psychodynamic therapies.  We also take any new experiences in our work to consultation (while, of course, keeping any personal or identifying information about our patients out of consultation).

We will also do everything we can to provide you with a safe and secure environment in which we can explore your psychological concerns together.  We will hold the relationship and the things you say in the strictest confidence.  Only when ordered by a judge in a legal matter involving your mental health, or under the extreme circumstances in which we believe you may be endangering your life or others life would we make contact outside our relationship with any details about you.  In these circumstances, we would contact the minimum number of people necessary and relate only the pertinent information.   There are occasionally circumstances under which you may request us to contact others about you.  This may include insurance companies for reimbursement for our services, other therapists with whom you are involved professionally, and courts who are requesting you to demonstrate that you are in therapy.  In these cases we will communicate the minimum amount of information necessary to meet the intent of your request.  We also request anyone with whom we communicate about you to keep our conversation confidential.

In addition to adhering to all the laws and regulations applicable to the California Board of Behavioral Science Examiners and the California Laws for Psychologists, we are committed to the ethics of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the American Psychological Association.

    Usually 6 to 8 people screened by a professional facilitator for compatibility and brought together to help each other through mutual support, honest feedback, and facilitated interactions designed to help members understand the ways their communications are experienced by others.   The group may be formed around a specific theme such as depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, divorce, loss and grief, etc. or it may be a general psychotherapy group.  Some topic specific groups are time limited, for instance 12 to 18 weeks, and general psychotherapy groups  tend to be on-going.   Group therapy is meant to help with problematic behavioral, emotional and interactional patterns which have developed early in life under stress or deprivation.   These patterns have adaptive elements that cause difficulty later in life.  Group therapy is design to understand these patterns and change them with the feedback and support of the other group members and the facilitator.  However, it takes courage and energy to risk discovering and changing patterns of interaction that have been in place since childhood.  We ask that you consider carefully your decision as it represents a long-term committment to yourself and the other group members.

In time limited groups, the facilitator presents topics for the group to discuss, and then helps members discuss the topic.  The facilitator usually helps members relate their experience with the topic and helps them express their thoughts and feelings related to the topic.  This process often has several curative effects:  First, it helps members realize they are not alone in their experiences; Second, it helps members be more accepting of their own feelings as they experience a sense of commonality among the members in relationship to their feelings;  and third, they develop a sense of freedom in expression of their own thoughts and feelings associated with the topic, where before there might have been a sense of shame or guilt or feelings of inadequacy.

In on-going groups,the goal of group therapy is not only the relief described above, but to help members make lasting change in aspects of their personality and ways in which they relate to others.  The therapy group is a unique atmosphere where honest interpersonal exploration among members is actively encouraged.  Interactions within the group usually mirror interpersonal styles developed as children and only in such a setting can these patterns be examined and understood with the necessary empathy.   Group members give and receive help by actively being involved with each other’s issues and expressing their opinions and feelings openly.  It is important that members be as honest and direct with their feelings in the group as possible, expecially feelings toward other members and the therapist.  In many ways, this can be regarded as the core of group therapy.  This ability comes with developing trust in the group and no one will be forced to say or do anything.  It is each member’s responsibility to pace his or her own self-disclosure.  However, the more effort you put into taking these emotional risks, the more benefit you will derive from the group.

Group therapy Agreements:

Entry into one of our groups means you agree to:

1.  Attend scheduled sessions and arrive prior to the starting time.  Announce planned absences as soon as possible.    
2. Take personal responsibility for communicating feelings and thoughts honestly and directly.
3. Adhere to the rules of confidentiality  by never  providing information that might identify who is in the group.
4. Reveal in the group all significant contact with any other group member made outside the group setting.
5. Abstain from alcohol and other drugs the day and evening of each group.
6. Pay the established fee each month.  We charge for all group sessions, whether you are in attendance or not.  This fee will increase $5 every two or three years.
7. Openly discuss any feelings of doubt about the group or any desire to leave the group.
8. Give four weeks advanced notice prior to termination from the group.                                                                                                                                        

As facilitators, we agree to do our best to:

1. Provide a pleasant, quiet, private, confidential, and consistent place to meet each week.
2. Facilitate the development of trust and empathy necessary for honest communication among members.
3. Provide a safe environment for members to explore their own and each other’s emotional reactions to events in the group.
4. Help clarify any misunderstandings, difficult emotional experiences, and differences in opinion among group members. 
5. Guide members’ exploration of old interactional coping styles in order for them to understand more fully the effects they have in their current lives.
6. Support members’ attempts at new communicational styles that are more intimate, assertive, and effective at achieving their purpose.
7. Be honest and hardworking in the service of the group’s and members’ welfare.

 Who generally facilitates a group?   Any licensed mental health professional who has specialized in group therapy.  This may be a Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Psychiatrist, or a Psychologist.   The group facilitators for Solano Psychotherapy Associates are Dr’s Michael Gray, Elizabeth Krainer, and Kevin Orzach.  See the personal bios in the website under the section ” About Us,” and the list of groups available below.

Process for becoming a group member:   Call Dr. Gray at 510-525-6620 or email through this website and leave your contact information and one of us will call you to make an appointment for a  50 minute interview.  In this meeting we will discuss what it is you would like to get out of group therapy and compare that to what our groups do to make sure there is a match.  If you or we have concerns about whether there is a match we will explore those concerns and attempt to find the resources necessary to meet your needs, including referring you to other forms of help.  We will also discuss your personal history and how you have come to want the group’s help.   We will answer any questions you have and discuss how you can go about trying to get what you want from the group.  You will also get another sheet of information similar to the information and list of agreements above.  We will then ask you to consider all this for a few days and call with your decision whether or not you would like to join the group.  If you do decide to join the group, we will inform the group and set a date for your entry.   We charge a nominal fee of $40 for the screening process.

Groups Currently Available:

1. Group to Increase Social Self Confidence and Capacity for Intimacy.  This group, facilitated by Dr. Gray, meets Monday evenings from 6:00 to 7:30 and costs $45 per session.  It is for both men and women above 30 years old.

 Everyone has problematic feelings and some relationship difficulties.   The psychological problems that come into treatment are the result of a confluence of congenital and experiential factors. That is, your physical make-up at birth in interaction with your experiences (the earlier or the more acute, the more influential) combine to shape who you are as a person. Hence, I believe that it is not accurate or helpful to consider any psychological difficulty to be a personal weakness, even if the sufferer of this difficulty feels weak.

Originally,  the “blank screen” stance psychoanalysts took was meant to refrain from interfering with the patient’s self expression and to allow the patient to freely project his imagination onto the therapist.  It was believed that this would allow the therapist to analyze problematic distortions that had developed from the patient’s traumatic or depriving early experiences.  Over time, the field of psychoanalysis has evolved to the point that many therapists, including myself, believe that it is necessary to be actively involved, using information embedded in the interpersonal interactions as clues to the patient’s difficulties (or the therapist’s difficulties; which is which needs to be worked out in honest, open collaboration).  Of course, there is still concern for not intruding on the patient’s self expression, but this takes the form of listening carefully, without interupting, and working hard to understand the patient with as little prejudgment as possible.   Psychoanalysis is viewed as a collaborative effort requiring both parties to be openly honest and willing to explore what is happening between them and how this may and may not relate to the difficulties that brought the patient into the therapist’s office.

Myth:  The therapist tries to get the patient to feel good.   

Of course, the goal of therapy is for the patient to feel better in ways. This does not mean that the therapist says things to try to manipulate the patient into feeling better at any one point in time.   In fact, the therapist’s honest feedback may at times be quite painful.   Generally, such pain is related to problems that bring the patient to therapy and thus it can be good to get it on the table for exploration.

Myth:   One of the common misconceptions about therapy is that all you have to do is tell a psychotherapist the things that are bothering you, and he will tell you what to do.

The work of psychotherapy often requires effort and cooperation from both the psychologist and the patient.   There are no magical cures; therefore you should be prepared to put in effort to get the results you want.    This effort mainly consists of talking openly and honestly about the things that are troubling you, answering my questions as openly and honestly as possible, and sticking to the treatment plan that we establish.   You will be encouraged to express any concerns you have about me or the treatment.   Research has shown that a good relationship between the therapist and the client is the most important factor in the outcome.